She looked in the mirror and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and smiled at her reflection. My daughter with the large brown eyes of her mother told the girl in the glass looking back at her that she wanted a little sister, that she would then be the oldest, that she would let her play with her toys and wear her clothes and I stood by wondering if I wanted the same thing. I wondered if I wanted it for myself or for her or her mother or maybe a combination of all the above.
We’ve had this conversation before, the talk of extending this little family of ours again by having another child yet we never come to a complete agreement on either end. There are times when my doubts overshadow my wife’s desires and then come the moments when her fears scare away my fever and we’re left reading from the page the other just read, just not the same page at the same time when this topic is involved.
To think I’ve already changed my last diaper or willed my last burp from a baby’s back with the palm of my hand or comforted and calmed a restless night of teething, to think it’s over clouds my judgment. To think I could have savored the months of exploration and discovery a little more or cherished the days of feeding her first while my food grew cold instead of wishing them away or settled in for one more nap with an infant on my bare chest letting our hearts sync, to think those days have come and gone without being prepared to soak in them a little more feels like a bath where the plug was pulled too soon.
We were so clueless the first time around and yet we managed to create something, someone so perfect and beautiful and flawless that we made it up as we went in the days that followed completely mesmerized by her. Sometimes I remember those days clearly the way she would lift her feet towards my face so I could blow between her toes or the way she threw her head back just before she fell asleep mimicking the exact position she was in during her mother’s ultrasound when we got our first glimpse of her.
Sometimes those days seem distant, the little girl in our home with 3 years of experience and learning more by the hour consumes us completely and the early days with her seem to slip further and further away. Would having another one allow us the opportunity to recreate those moments? Is that even a valid reason to have another? The love between us personified amazes me anytime I stop to reflect on the life we created together, of the life we’re building together, and I can’t help but wonder if we could do it again. If we could possibly ask God for another blessing as big as the one He has already given us.