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There are days where I feel like I have nothing in the world to complain about.  It's those days I wish were contagious causing every day thereafter to be infected with copious amounts of positivity.  It’s those days I find myself smiling at nothing in particular or daydreaming about the witty insights of the lively toddler occupying space in my home or relishing in the solidity of the relationship I’ve built with my wife. 

Those are the good days.

Those are the days I clench with white knuckles when the other type of day settles in.

The type of day like today.  The type of day where I clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed even though it’s the same side I’ve always vacated.  The same side where I peel my eyelids apart every morning to the screams of an alarm and struggle through an internal debate of five more minutes or throw back the covers and get it over with.  The type of day I have a pep talk with my reflection in the bathroom mirror searching for the light in the eyes of someone I know all too well.

I've never been a morning person.

Today gets dressed in the same closet as Yesterday and takes the same route to work and performs the same functions and has the same responsibilities yet the feeling of familiarity wavers between extremely and not at all; Yesterday got lost somewhere between bedtime and sunrise and instead left me with Today… a bad day desperately trying to impersonate a good one.  An imposter.

Today is one of those days I stalk the clock in complete anticipation of the moment I can arrive home and wash off the last eight hours before crawling back into bed, a game of lost and found in the sheets for tomorrow.  Today is one of those days where the sight of dishes in the sink and scattered toys on the floor make my chest tighten.  A visual to-do list.  A reminder that work is never really done.

I scan the room making a mental plan of attack on the chores of the evening and swallow the words on the tip of my tongue choking on the bitterness of all four letters.  Madison helps me clean up by putting her toys away in places she can reach.  Then suddenly today turns into tonight and I catch myself watching my daughter with her arms full of blocks and books hurry haphazardly around the living room in my shadow.
 
She looks at me then looks at the floor and says she's sorry.  Sorry Daddy, she says.  Sorry.

It's not a secret she undoubtedly inherited some of my OCD tendencies and more often than not I praise her for helping me tidy the rooms of our house or close doors left open or provide a coaster for a drink drowning in condensation, but tonight that's not the case.

Tonight I now find myself wanting to leave the toys scattered in their random positions throughout the room.  Proof a good time was had today.  I want to let the dishes rest in the sink for a change.  Evidence a nice meal was shared this evening.  Tonight I want to apologize because this mood is my own fault.  Madison has absolutely nothing to be sorry for.

Happiness is a choice.  One that I need to make more often.

I'm sorry I don't always realize this.  I'm sorry.

I really have nothing to complain about… I have my health and a beautiful family.  I am blessed.

It’s just one of those days, you know, one of those days where you can't see the forest for the trees.  One of those days that end curled up on the couch with a sweet little girl in my lap naming the animals as they exit the Ark, the weight of her children's Bible on our knees.  I close my eyes and say a silent prayer for forgiveness, for patience and understanding, for awareness... for more days exactly like these in this moment.

6 comments

  1. It is currently after midnight here in Abu Dhabi, I'm laying in bed completely stalking your blog out while Eric is playing GTA V...and I am crying my eyeballs out. Your honesty is absolutely beautiful, your writing style so engrossing, I think I might have to settle in with a cappuccino and catch up :)

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    1. Thanks, Kat! That means more to me than you know.

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  2. What a powerful post and reminder that our mood certainly affects those around us, especially the littlest of ones. God certainly put them in our lives to make us better people. Thanks for the reminder to see the forest beyond the trees and be thankful for all of the blessings!

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  3. Mmhmm. Thank you for beautiful honesty that reminds me I'm not the only one journey through days that are full of getting caught up in the trees.

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    1. Thanks, Linds. It's so easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and the daily struggles... it's nice to know we're not alone.

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