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She looked in the mirror and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and smiled at her reflection. My daughter with the large brown eyes of her mother told the girl in the glass looking back at her that she wanted a little sister, that she would then be the oldest, that she would let her play with her toys and wear her clothes and I stood by wondering if I wanted the same thing. I wondered if I wanted it for myself or for her or her mother or maybe a combination of all the above.

We’ve had this conversation before, the talk of extending this little family of ours again by having another child yet we never come to a complete agreement on either end. There are times when my doubts overshadow my wife’s desires and then come the moments when her fears scare away my fever and we’re left reading from the page the other just read, just not the same page at the same time when this topic is involved.

To think I’ve already changed my last diaper or willed my last burp from a baby’s back with the palm of my hand or comforted and calmed a restless night of teething, to think it’s over clouds my judgment. To think I could have savored the months of exploration and discovery a little more or cherished the days of feeding her first while my food grew cold instead of wishing them away or settled in for one more nap with an infant on my bare chest letting our hearts sync, to think those days have come and gone without being prepared to soak in them a little more feels like a bath where the plug was pulled too soon.

We were so clueless the first time around and yet we managed to create something, someone so perfect and beautiful and flawless that we made it up as we went in the days that followed completely mesmerized by her. Sometimes I remember those days clearly the way she would lift her feet towards my face so I could blow between her toes or the way she threw her head back just before she fell asleep mimicking the exact position she was in during her mother’s ultrasound when we got our first glimpse of her. 

Sometimes those days seem distant, the little girl in our home with 3 years of experience and learning more by the hour consumes us completely and the early days with her seem to slip further and further away. Would having another one allow us the opportunity to recreate those moments? Is that even a valid reason to have another? The love between us personified amazes me anytime I stop to reflect on the life we created together, of the life we’re building together, and I can’t help but wonder if we could do it again. If we could possibly ask God for another blessing as big as the one He has already given us.




9 comments

  1. Stopping by from On Your Heart...this is so beautifully written. Is there ever a clear answer...? I'm glad that I came across your blog, I'm looking forward to reading more!

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    1. Thanks, Rebecca! That means a lot. I'm glad you stopped by.

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  2. Following this from the link up today. My husband and I are also discussing another baby. We go back and forth with the "when" but we know we definitely will eventually. It's good to know other couples struggle with the timing as well. Now? Later? In a few months? Next year? These are valid questions. I'm glad we're not the only ones asking them.

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    1. Hi, Bre! You're definitely not the only ones asking them. We have the same conversation every other day in my house (so it seems), it's a big decision.

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  3. We had "the discussion" over and over the past couple of years. I have to tell you that the second time around you take in every single moment. You hold them a bit longer and just watch them more intently. I haven't left the house much because the truth is that I don't want to. I want to sit here at home with my babies and just BE with them. Thanks for writing this. It resonates with me.

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    1. Thanks, Teresa. I can only imagine how alert and aware of everything you are the second time around. I'm glad you and Alex decided 'yes' regardless how many times the discussion came up, your baby boy is just as beautiful as your daughter. Even after writing this, we're still on the fence and I suppose when/if the timing is right we'll know.

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    2. I agree, Teresa! With our second, I've just ENJOYED moments instead of worrying so much with our first! I wish I could have a do-over with our first sometimes, but of course, I wouldn't be the "easy going" parent I am now without the experience of having a first baby. That said, Brad, if you asked, you would certainly be blessed with another blessing as big as the one He's already given you. I wondered how much more love I could give to a second child. It's amazing how much love is in me. I love each of my children with 100% of my heart. I'm in awe, how could God love each of us with the same intensity? Crazy.

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    3. I remember reading your first post regarding questioning adding to your family. At that time, we were in the same place. Now we have a second beautiful blessing. I'm not going to lie, I was scared, I wondered how adding to our little family would change us, how would it affect our relationship with Addison. It was a big adjustment at first. It was like we were first time parents all over again, except different. We scrambled to figure out how to keep our routine with Addison so that her world wasn't turned completely upside down. It took about three months for the new routine to settle in. Now we have a flow again. It's the most amazing thing to watch your first born gush over your second, as if it's her baby, not yours. Every morning she wakes with the same question with excitement, "Mommy, where's my Bella??" She coos over her and snuggles her, and Bella adores it. Like a previous poster said, this time, we soak up every single moment of her baby-ness. The second time around you know how to care for a baby so you see things you didn't see or relish the first time around.
      There is no denying it, it's an adjustment, but it was the first time too. It is wonderful though to see the two perfect blessings God has given us.

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    4. I assume since we continue to bring it up that we both want another one on some level, sometimes we just allow our doubts and fears and the what ifs keep us from making a final decision. All we can do is pray and discuss and trust that what is meant to be will be, right? I see others, like you Lisa and Lauren, with more than one and know many other families adjust and embrace life with another baby in the mix. We certainly haven't closed the window although if we left the decision up to Madison, we would have had another one months ago.

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