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February 18, 2013

Once upon a time there was a Queen who found her throne to be incredibly difficult.  It seemed as though the throne disliked her for every time her Highness would initiate a royal flush, that throne began to overflow.

I've learned many lessons throughout the years when it concerns sharing a living space with a female.  For example, always use a coaster... tripping over high heels hurts much worse than stumbling over tennis shoes... looks can be deceiving, it's not always chapstick or shampoo... flat irons are really hot... bath sponges are better than a wash cloth... replacing the toilet paper roll will cause women to lose a limb or at least that's what I choose to believe since they never do it.

At least my wife and I agree on the direction of the toilet paper.  Over.  Not under.  It matters.

Since we're in the bathroom, another lesson I've learned... other than putting the seat down... is that nothing can clog a toilet worse than a female.  Or worse than my wife.  More often than not she manages to make it in and then out again without causing a full on crisis.  However, sometimes we're not that lucky. 

I'm not that lucky.

One occasion in particular comes to mind.  It was a Sunday, mid morning and we had just crawled out of bed and put the cinnamon rolls in the oven (a weekend tradition)... excited that Madison allowed us to sleep in we, both Allison and I, made our way into her room to lift her out of the crib.  After Madison made a point to kiss and hug every stuffed animal she could get her little hands on (she loves them and they deserve an official 'good morning' too), I changed her diaper while Allison ran to the bathroom.  The bathroom of choice wasn't the master bathroom in our bedroom, but the one closest in proximity which would be Madison's bathroom.

Madison's bathroom has an underwater theme, light green walls and glittery fish, which would prove to be more appropriate than we ever could have imagined.

After the diaper change, I was going downstairs to fix our coffee when I noticed the toilet in Madison's bathroom seemed to be running.  Allison confirmed this by saying... her toilet is running.  I walked in the bathroom to jiggle the handle, which is always troubleshooting method number one (this wasn't my first rodeo) and it seemed to work.  The toilet let out a loud sigh and settled down.

Downstairs I fixed our coffee and threw some glasses in the freezer so they would develop a nice frost for the milk that would join the party once the cinnamon rolls were out of the oven.  Back upstairs in Madison's room, I put the coffee cups down and handed Madison a fresh sippy cup of milk (she's impatient and could care less about developing a frost for hers).  Then I noticed the toilet sounded like it was running again. 

Allison confirmed with a worried look on her face... the toilet is running again.

I ran in the bathroom sliding across the sea of toilet water before crashing into the side of the tub nearly breaking the small toe on my left foot and the big toe on my right before coming to a complete stop.  It was overflowing.  It was everywhere.  It was gross.  I was pissed.  Literally.

Allison and Madison (and Benson) came running because of the commotion and for some reason everyone found the scene hilarious.  Everyone but me... and maybe Benson, but I'm almost positive I saw him smile.

It took an eternity filled second to process the severity of the issue before I turned the water off.  At that exact moment, we heard three beeps in succession signaling that time was up on the cinnamon rolls... downstairs.  Time was definitely up.

I cleaned myself off to handle the lighter of the situations downstairs while Allison cleaned up the mess she made all the while fighting off Madison (and Benson) in the doorway.

Downstairs I pulled the rolls out of the oven and began icing them (because you have to do it while they're hot) when I heard a dripping sound.  Immediately my heart jumped to my throat and I was nervous to turn around.  What is leaking?  Where is it coming from? What happened to a GOOD morning?

Slowly I turned to see a line of water falling from the ceiling.  The constant drip morphed into a full blown stream right before my eyes.  As luck would have it (although I didn't see this situation as lucky at all in the moment), the water was coming from a pot light located over our sink so at least the leak was contained.

The bathroom was cleaned, the toilet unclogged and the pot light was pulled to allow the water to drain.  We also borrowed an industrial strength fan to point at the ceiling in effort to dry out the area before reinstalling the pot light.

TMI Note
Sometimes you have to assess the situation you're in (get it? urine? gross!) and realize it could be much worse... after all it could have been quite a shitty situation... timing is everything.

I hope her Majesty's royal flush isn't genetic.  Someone save me if the little Princess inherits it.

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