MAKE IT STOP, VOLUME 2February 5, 2013
Since Valentine's Day is coming up, I figured I would put together a list of things that need to stop (that may or may not be related to the actual holiday). Everyone else is talking about it so I'm going to take more of a non-traditional approach. Sue me. Or don't actually. That's just an expression.
In case you missed the first of this series... whoop! Here it is.
- They taste like chalk. I'm not sure why everyone decides to pass these out every year because they're disgusting and the message given isn't "Be Mine" but more along the lines of "Chew on this Candy Dust" ...unless you get the Sweet Tarts version, then we're good. Or you could go with Red Hots, no message needed as it's already implied.
Family Stick Figures
- I mentioned my distaste for car decor in Volume 1, but then someone brought up the stick figures that seem to be stuck on every mini van across the country and I can't believe I forgot to mention these! I hate them. I do. I absolutely despise them, if I'm being honest. Everyone gets it, you love your family and want the world (or at least everyone around town) to know... however, the world doesn't care that your husband carries a brief case to work or that your three kids all prefer different activities ranging from soccer to ballet to karate or that you have two dogs and a cat. It's also worth mentioning that if someone is stalking your family, they now know the head count and the talents of each family member. Haven't you seen Criminal Minds? Remove the stickers pronto. I'm talking to you Mom! Just kidding, she knows better.
Declaring Your Love via Facebook Status
- Please. I'm begging... this has to stop. Why do people insist on posting a status update that says: To the most beautiful person I've ever met who holds my heart in the palm of their hand and who has eyes as deep as the ocean and blah blah blah love blah blah blah vomit. I don't get it. If this person means so much to you shouldn't that connection warrant a face-to-face conversation and not some regurgitated Hallmark card all over my feeds? Every time I read one, I think to myself or maybe out loud (sometimes it just comes out before I can get control) that the truth is the exact opposite of whatever the post says. In other words, bull shit. I love my wife and I tell her every day... to her face. Chances are if you're using Facebook as a means to express your feelings regarding your personal relationships that you're going to have a new personal relationship in about a week... to clutter up my feeds all over again. I know the simple thing to do is to just delete them, but I can't. You can't stalk a private profile if you're not friends with the person. Right?
- I know the saying "two become one" and how it relates to love and marriage, but I don't think it's referring to the merging of first names. I could be wrong. Although I don't think I am. There's TomKat and Brangelina and Kimye and enough is enough. I blame Jennifer Lopez. Bennifer was unnecessary to begin with and now we're left to suffer the consequences. What's worse is when a couple coins the name themselves in hopes it will catch on for their friends to call them that. Brallison was given to us by someone else entirely. For reals.
Happy Valentime's Day
- The word is Valentine with a 'N' not the letter 'M' so get it right... or pay the price. The price being a million boxes of candy hearts, the chalky kind not the Sweet Tarts.
Feel free to add to this list! What Valentine's Day traditions do you wish would stop?